I speak with colleagues or work with coaching clients on a daily basis who are experiencing issues at work – funding pressure, boards ranging from disengaged to out of control, policy setbacks, staff woes.

Some of these good folks are really worked up – in an incredibly unhelpful state – agitation, anger, or self-flagellation – and engaging in really unhelpful behaviors – like overworking, allowing the issue to fester, or saying a couple of things they wish they hadn’t.

On the other hand, some of these good folks are somehow less agitated, less angry, less self-flagellating. They are more accepting that this is the craziness of the people and events around them, prioritizing the issue and then dealing directly, delegating, or choosing a time to address the issue. They report the events for some context on what’s happening, not something we need to focus on.

For some it’s venting. For some it’s reporting.

So, what’s the difference? During the venting, I often wonder (sometimes aloud), “What are you telling yourself? Why is this so upsetting?”

In my last blog post, I shared a few initial ideas about how to avoid being that burned out executive you never meant to become. Dealing with the day-to-day, month-to-month, and year-to-year frustrations of the job that can then lead to burnout felt like a separate topic

The truth is, avoiding burnout by staying open to the relationships, innovation, and risk that keep the job exciting requires techniques that ensure you don’t get diverted by the extreme negative emotions and behaviors that the events of the day can bring up. You need a way to surf the wave, not get pulled down into it – to swim with the avalanche, not fight it – to say, “That’s interesting; I’ll think about it” and actually mean it.

If we haven’t developed techniques for managing our frustrations when the stakes are lower, they become more intense with each step in our leadership journey. Dealing ably with the issues that come up daily, hourly, and weekly – the big ones and the small ones – is the number one burn out prevention measure. Does it really matter if you have a day off if you cannot mentally separate from the sense of frustration and pressure?

I think of reactions to the events of the day like a volume knob on our emotions. Reactions can be a 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10) – meaning you can’t hear yourself think, totally carried away by the outrage, the sadness, the anxiety. When the volume knob is on 10, you are frying the system. It wasn’t meant to blast at this volume for long periods of time. The system will inevitably burn out.

When we lower the volume – bring it back down to five or lower, we can hear ourselves think. We can be:

• annoyed, not outraged
• disappointed, not miserable,
• concerned, not anxiety ridden.

We can keep going without burning out the system. We can take productive action.

What you are telling yourself – your internal monologue – is a technique for putting your hand on the volume knob – to begin turning it down a notch or two – to begin to put yourself in the position of being able to hear yourself think.

Albert Ellis, who many consider to be one of the early founders of cognitive therapy would argue that it isn’t the events of our life that are upsetting us, but rather what we are telling ourselves about those events. If we change what we are telling ourselves, we can be less upset.

After all, the same things happen to other people who are not nearly as upset by them – just like my colleagues and clients who report out, not vent.

Our extreme emotions and behaviors are a cue that the internal monologue needs to change.

So, how can you start to make this change? First, take the time to write down those beliefs, using the prompt, “What am I telling myself?”

Usually, documenting the monologue – seeing it in writing in front of you – turns the volume down a notch or two. You can then go down a few more notches by looking at each belief and asking yourself:

• Is it helpful? Does holding this belief make the situation better or help me achieve my dream of a manageable job (and life)?
• Is there any evidence that this is true? Does everyone who experiences this have my reaction?
• Is it logical? Is what I am telling myself the way the world actually works? Where is the proof that this is true?

After this, write out more effective beliefs – ones that scale the problem to its proper size and that promote your remaining calm and focused.

More effective beliefs are what you will work to tell yourself the next time this type of upset happens again. They are a way of interrupting that old pattern.

To help make this a memorable framework, Ellis developed the “ABCDE” model.

• A – the thing that happens to you (activating event), which leads to
• B – beliefs (those irrational things you are telling yourself), which leads to
• C – the consequence, an extreme negative emotion or behavior
• D – disputes that challenge (and disarm) the beliefs
• E – effective new beliefs to replace your irrational beliefs

Let’s try an example.

Two leaders face the same issue (activating event) – an employee who has worked for you for two whole months, believes they have proven just how amazing they are, and wants a raise (15% seems fair) and promotion (vice president has a nice ring to it).

One leader works themselves into a tizzy, while also wasting time on fruitless or unhelpful behaviors (consequences):

• complaining about the work habits of Gen Z, Millennials, whoever (not noticing that the listener started dozing off five minutes earlier).
• Popping antacids hourly to temporarily assuage the burning sensation in their stomach.
• Calling three meetings with their human resources person to strategize a response, giving up the time they had set aside for strategic discussions, board cultivation, or lunch.

The next leader may address the issue immediately or promise to respond very soon and then go on with their day. They may be a bit annoyed by all this, but they come to an answer quickly and without a lot of emotional investment:

• Address with the staff member that the request is coming very early in their tenure.
• Acknowledge that as much as they value the work the team member has done to date, it takes longer than two months to fully prove oneself as “amazing.”
• Reiterate the organization’s policy on raises.
• Express how much they hope new team member will stay and continue to do great work.

So, what might the first leader be telling themselves (beliefs) that the second one probably isn’t? A few possibilities:

• This is outrageous. No person should make this kind of request! How dare they!
• I can’t stand this _____ (fill in the blank – part of my job / person / generation / arrogance). This has ruined my entire week.
• I should not have to deal with this, but now I do. I owe this person an answer right away.

The next person’s internal monologue is probably different:

• I know from experience that giving in to this type of request rarely ends well. Let me figure out the best way to say “no” while encouraging the person to stick with it.
• These type of staff issues are annoying. I wonder if there’s some way to improve our interview process to intercept this type of work behavior.
• Is there any validity to the request? Is this situation actually different in some way?

The work of Albert Ellis and many others – and tools like the ABCDE – focus on how to go from being the first leader to being the second leader.

If you find this interesting and want to dig deeper, you can read more HERE. The framework is one way to put some space between the events of your day and the negative emotions or behaviors that surface for you.

The process is widely used by individuals and coaches, even outside therapeutic settings, to turn down the volume on emotions and behaviors.

Of course, if you run into repeat emotional or behavioral roadblocks – issues that are outside work or bigger than coaching is meant to deal with – you might consider starting therapy with someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy. Remember, coaching is therapeutic, but it is not therapy.

Turning down the volume knob is not about ignoring an issue but rather about putting it into perspective – rightsizing it so that you can manage it without it taking over your life – avoiding a sense of futility and frustration that leads to burnout.

This is just one of many techniques an executive coach can help you utilize to improve your satisfaction and performance at work.